


Louder Than Words

by earth_dragon



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, RPS - Freeform, Schmoop, bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earth_dragon/pseuds/earth_dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something about Misha had just been off ever since they got to Rome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Louder Than Words

**Author's Note:**

> My first Cockles fic. The videos that Jensen watches are: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiTjdrHQGIc and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pp-eRrqecX4&feature=related 
> 
> I have played around with the timeline a little bit, but this deals with situations roughly spanning a year between JIB convention 2012 and 2013. I would definitely recommend watching all of the Jensen/Misha vids from Jus In Bellos cons. You can youtube all of them. This fic is complete and utter schmoop; don't look for anything deep here. 
> 
> Someone on Tumblr mentioned that Jensen sure seems to be a lot more physically affectionate with Misha in conventions now than he used to be, especially when compared to last year. That was my starting point and I ran with it.

Jensen felt Misha pat him awkwardly on the back. As hugs went, it definitely wasn’t their warmest or most enthusiastic. In fact, something about Misha had just been off ever since they got to Rome; there was a kind of nervous tension about him. But Jensen didn’t have time to dwell on it because they had a panel to do. The fans were many, and demanding, and they wouldn’t wait a second longer.

Jensen put on his game face, watched Misha do the same, and then turned to face the screaming audience.

~~*~~

Jensen and Misha were both buzzingafter the panel. That had been one of their best ones yet, maybe even the best one ever. They hadn’t really managed to give an actual answer to even a single question, but it didn’t seem to matter because the audience spent the entire time whooping and hollering, cheering and laughing. The energy was palpable and they were still riding high on it.

“That was awesome!”

“You and your dance moves. I swear, I thought they were all gonna faintfall over dead when you started shimmying.”

“Well, you know me -- sometimes I just gotta shake it!” Jensen shimmied his shoulders and leaned into Misha’s space, making the older man laugh and bend backwards. “Ya know,” Jensen grinned, “You’re really a crappy dancer. You should try taking some lessons.”

Misha laid a hot hand against Jensen’s chest to playfully shove him away. “And I suppose I should study under your excellent tutelage?”

Jensen slung his arm around Misha’s waist and pulled him closer, relishing in the ridiculous grin on Misha’s face. “I could show you how to get down, baby.” Jensen waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

The heat from Misha’s body felt wonderful next to his, and for a moment Jensen just savored the closeness between them, the laughter and the smiles. But then the elevator dinged and the door opened, disrupting their moment and their privacy. Misha abruptly shoved him away.

 Jensen frowned. “Mish, what...”

 “Sorry,” Misha answered quickly. “We’re uh... we’re here. Better get a move on. Our public awaits.”

As they stepped into the crowded hallway, Jensen watched the genuine smile that had adorned Misha’s handsome face morph into a slightly forced stage smile. The closeness between them stretched and faded as Misha moved a few steps ahead of him.

Away from him.

Jensen’s heart gave a twinge, but again, he didn’t have time to analyze it because they were up. The autograph line was ridiculously long, filled with people who had been waiting impatiently for hours to see two of their favorite stars. Jensen lifted his hand and gave Misha a small wave before he turned into his assigned room.

He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt strangely bereft as he sat down and picked up his marker.

~~*~~

Hours later and the crowd had finally thinned out. Jensen had signed hundreds of autographs and his hand was cramping. He was tired and hungry, and all he could think about was getting back up to his hotel room and sharing a hot meal and a hot shower with Misha before collapsing into bed next to Misha’s hot body.

Providing, of course, that Misha would actually let him.

Something had been off about Misha all weekend and Jensen couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He had performed beautifully; they both had. They had been all smiles and laughter during their panel, tossing out one joke after another. As Misha had said, it was comedy gold.

But Misha had still been... twitchy.

Maybe he was just having a bad day, or maybe he was extra tired, Jensen reasoned.

The convention circuit was exhausting and Misha could be bad about pushing himself too far. He was always so nice and patient, so available to the fans. Jensen had the utmost respect for that. Usually it was Misha cheering him on and keeping him running at these conventions, but maybe this time Misha was the one who needed someone to lean on.

Jensen could do that; of course he could. If Misha needed a little extra support this time, Jensen could absolutely do that.

Finally, everything was wrapped up at his own table; the last autographs were signed and the last fan had walked away happy. Jensen stood, stretched, and gave a great yawn. Food, a shower, and some sleepy snuggle time with Misha really did sound like the best thing ever. And he was guessing that Misha was probably thinking the same thing.

He walked out of his room and across the hall to peek into the room where Misha had been stashed. There were maybe fifty people left in the waiting line. Misha always took more time to chat with his fans, even though he knew it made the line run slower.

Jensen cut through the side of the room until he was able to sidle up behind Misha, who was signing a picture and talking with a young woman who looked absolutely star struck.

Misha finished off his name in a flourish and went to hand the picture back to the women, but then Jensen leaned down and wrapped his arms around Misha from behind. “Oh come on now, at least write something worth reading. She paid a lot of money to be here, ya know.”

Misha jumped, startled. “Jensen!”

“The one and only.” Jensen smiled and nuzzled his face down next to Misha’s cheek teasingly. “Here, gimme that pen.” Jensen took the pen from Misha’s hand and quickly wrote his own name down on the woman’s picture. The young lady squealed and beamed the brightest smile in thanks.

But Misha only sat there quietly, frowning and stiff, as if he were afraid to let himself relax back against Jensen at all. As if he didn’t really even want to be touched.

And then Jensen realized that Misha was trembling, just the tiniest bit, in his arms.

“Jensen, what are you doing?” Misha hissed, lowly so no one else could hear.

Jensen bristled. “I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing,” he answered, confused.

“I’m fine,” Misha said tersely, grimacing, still stiff as a board. “Are you done already?”

And Jensen didn’t know if Misha meant done with his autograph session or done with his intrusion, but Jensen pulled away all the same. He unwrapped his arms from around Misha and stepped back. “Yeah, I’m done.”

Misha didn’t even look back at him as he walked away.

~~*`~~

Jensen winced as the door slammed shut behind him.

This was more than just a bad day, more than just being a little off. Misha clearly didn’t even want to be touched by him. Something was very wrong.

Jensen sighed and sank down onto the bed. As he stripped off his shoes, he wracked his brain trying to think of something he may have done. Had he pissed Misha off somehow? He didn’t think he had; he couldn’t remember doing anything that would have made the usually happy and easy-going man so upset. Lord, he hoped this didn’t turn into a fight. Jensen absolutely hated it when they fought. It was rare, but it did happen on occasion, and it always left him feeling hollowed out.

Sighing again, Jensen rose and walked over to the phone to order room service. He ordered enough for two, and specifically asked for kale, hoping that having one of Misha’s favorite foods would help smooth things over.

As the man on the phone took his order, Jensen glanced over to the open laptop sitting on the desk; and he was surprised to see the browser opened up to youtube. Apparently Misha had been watching videos early that morning before Jensen had woken up. Jensen thanked the man on the phone, hung up, and sat down at the desk. Maybe Misha had seen something online that had upset him; maybe that was why he had been having such a bad day.

He clicked play and was surprised to see a convention video of himself and Jared. He grimaced a bit because he had never liked watching himself on video; he would always much rather watch Misha’s work than his own. But he had the feeling that he needed to see whatever Misha had seen, so he let the video play on.

_“Misha’s a whore!”_

 Jensen froze.

 In the clip, Jared and the audience laughed riotously, but all Jensen could do was stare at the screen, horrified at himself. He remembered that day, those words.

 But he wished he didn’t.

 He wished he could forget those long, sad months he had spent without Misha. God, he had been such a coward! He and Misha had gotten so wonderfully close. Too close. They had been too close, too flirty, too affectionate, and the public had noticed. Rumors had abounded and Jensen had gotten scared. He loved Misha and Misha had loved him, and he knew that was really all that should have mattered, but Jensen had gotten worried about the rumors and his reputation. He had been worried what everyone would think.

 Oh, that had been an ugly fight.

 He had confronted Misha about being so open and affectionate in public, suggesting that they tone it down, not act ‘so gay’. Jensen cringed and his chest tightened at the memory of it all. He had been so wrong, and his fear had cost him his relationship with Misha.

 Feeling the need to punish himself, Jensen queued up the next video in the playlist, another panel from a con, but this one of Misha himself.

 Jensen was surprised. He had never seen this clip before, but he knew that it had taken place during a bad, dark time for both Misha and himself. By this point, they had been broken up for several months, and the heartache in both of them had been visible to everyone. To be frank, Misha looked awful in the clip -- his clothes were ragged and ill-fitting, his hair scraggly, and his posture slumped and defeated.

 Jensen absolutely hated having to see Misha that way, and knowing that it had been his own fault filled him with tremendous guilt. Usually, Jensen did his best to avoid watching anything that had been filmed during the time of their separation; it just brought up too many bad memories. But he knew he needed to see this; that it could help him understand what had happened today.

_“Did he mean it in, like, a jokey way, or...”_

 Jensen slumped forward heavily, trying to curl in on himself; he drew in a sharp, hissing breath. Oh God, Misha’s face looked so pained, so sad. The audience awwwed and giggled, and Misha let it all play off as a big joke.

 But Jensen knew better.

 Jensen knew when Misha was playing and when he was being genuine. The curve in Misha’s shoulders, the tension in his jaw, and the tears in his eyes all let Jensen know that Misha’s reaction had been completely, heartbreakingly real.

 That was it. That was enough. Jensen couldn’t stand to watch anymore. He closed the browser window and shut down the computer.

 ~~*~~

 Jensen stood when he heard the key card in the door.

 Misha walked in and immediately eyed the large serving tray full of food. “Hey, you got room service.”

 “I did,” Jensen answered levelly. He was anxious, knowing that the talk he and Misha were going to have would probably be unpleasant and upsetting, but necessary. “How did your session go?”

 “It was fine. They laughed, they cried, they swooned. The usual.” Misha grinned and came forward to snatch a sandwich up from the tray. “What are you still doing up? I figured you would be in bed by now.”

 “I want to talk to you.”

 Misha swallowed hard, the grin faded from his face, and Jensen knew that Misha knew he was being called out. “Um... can it wait till tomorrow? We’re both really tired. I don’t know about you, but I’d love to get some sleep.”

 Jensen stepped forward; he took the half-eaten sandwich from Misha’s hand and placed it back on the tray. “No, it can’t wait.”

 The air hung heavy, there was a long, pregnant pause, and then Misha’s face completely fell and he sank down to sit on the bed. “Yeah, okay.”

 Jensen took a deep breath. “First, I want to apologize to you.”

 Misha’s head snapped up, as Jensen knew it would. “You... what?”

 “I want to apologize.” Misha just stared at him, clearly confused and thrown off by Jensen’s opening line. Jensen sat down beside him on the bed and took his hand. “I saw the youtube videos on your computer.”

 Misha sighed and turned away. “Oh, Jensen.”

 “No, Misha, I’m glad I saw them. I’m not gonna lie -- it hurt to watch them. To be honest, I’ve been pretty baffled by the way you’ve been acting today; kind of like you didn’t really want me around or want me touching you, except for when we were goofing around in the panel earlier.”

 “Jensen, no.” Misha looked pained. “That’s not it at all.”

 Jensen squeezed his hand. “I know it’s not. I know that now. That’s part of the reason why I’m glad I watched the videos; they helped me understand.”

 “Understand what?” Misha sighed, resigned to letting the conversation happen.

 “Why you’ve been acting so off today, all weekend, really.” Jensen took another deep breath to steady himself. This was going to be particularly painful for both of them, but he knew it needed to happen. He had owed Misha an apology for a long time and hadn’t given it. And now Misha needed reassurance.

 “The last time this happened, I got scared. I got onto you for being too open in public, and we fought, and because I was a coward, I ran. I broke things off with you.”

 Misha flinched, but just barely. Jensen could see how hard he was working to keep himself steeled, and his heart ached at the sight. He knew the old memories were drudging up pain and fear, and Jensen wanted to set things right as quickly as he could; to take that pain and fear away. But he needed to explain himself. He needed to do this right.

“I’m not gonna try to bullshit you with an excuse for my behavior. We both know I was scared and I took it out on you. And honestly, that’s the stupidest and worse thing I’ve ever done. All I did was hurt us both, and I’m sorry for that.”

“I know you are,” Misha answered. “I know you’re sorry. I am too.”

“And you’re afraid I’m going to do it again.”

Misha froze, unable to answer or even look him in the face; his breath began to grow shallow.

Jensen knew he had hit on the real problem at hand. “That’s why you’ve been shying away from me all day, isn’t it? It was okay when we were in private, but not when we were in public. You didn’t want anyone to see us because you were afraid that I’d freak out again.”

“Will you?” Misha asked, his voice bitter and hard.

“NO!” Jensen answered firmly. He put his hands up on Misha’s shoulders and turned the smaller man bodily around to face him. Misha’s eyes were wary, distrusting and damp, and Jensen absolutely hated knowing that Misha felt this way because of him. “No, I will not ever do that again. Believe me, I know what I lost. I know how lucky I was to get a second chance, and I would never risk losing you like that again!”

Misha’s hard look softened and Jensen cupped his face in his hands. “But that is what you were afraid of, isn’t it?”

Misha nodded.

“I get it. I do.” Jensen drew Misha close and kissed the top of his head; he was grateful and gratified to feel Misha relax against him. “You held back all day because you didn’t want to let yourself go too far.”

“I didn’t know what to do,” Misha confessed. “You kept doing all the same things you had yelled at me for last year. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react.”

“It’s okay.”

“And then I just stumbled upon those youtube videos this morning,” Misha rushed on. “I hadn’t meant to seek them out, but then I saw them and it just made me think I should be extra careful. I didn’t want that to happen again; it was so awful last time.”

“I know, Mish. It’s okay.”

“I guess I went too far with it. I didn’t mean to be pushing you away exactly, I just --”

“Misha!” Jensen finally interrupted his tirade.

Misha fell quiet.

“I know, darlin’. I know. I’m sorry you thought you had to do that, felt like you had to hide.”

Jensen brought his forehead down to lean against Misha’s, and for a moment the two of them just breathed each other in. Really, the whole thing had been a little ridiculous, but Jensen could perfectly well understand where Misha had been coming from and, in fact, felt bad that he hadn’t realized what was going on earlier.

Misha moved to lay his head against Jensen’s shoulder, and Jensen finally felt all of the day’s tension leave his body. They were ok. They were great, actually. They were alone, in love, and in each other’s arms. That was all they needed right now.

Misha’s stomach rumbled then, as if on cue; the sound cutting through their calming quiet.

Jensen laughed. “You hungry Misha?”

“Ah yeah, but you know that’s kind of your fault. You took my sandwich away,” Misha answered, chuckling.

Jensen rose from the bed and walked back over to the serving tray sitting on the table. He picked up Misha’s half-eaten sandwich and brought it back to him. “Here, don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Misha scoffed. “You think a simple sandwich is going to compensate for the emotional trauma I’ve been through today? Hardly Ackles. Hardly. You owe me.”

Jensen knew right then that things really were fine. Misha was back to making jokes, demanding attention and being larger than life. Jensen rolled his eyes, playing along. “And what would My Overlord have me do to ease his troubled mind?” he asked with mock gallantry.

“Well, you can start by handing me another sandwich,” Misha answered. “And then you can run me a hot bath.”

Jensen snickered. “With or without bubbles?”

“With, of course. Don’t think you’re getting out of this easy.”

“I would never dream of it.”

“And you better just plan on having your ass in that bath with me.”

Jensen bowed. “Whatever My Overlord demands.”

“I demand another sandwich -- which you never gave to me by the way; you’re slacking Jensen -- and then hot, wet, naked fun times in a bubble bath.”

Jensen grabbed another sandwich and handed it Misha, but before he had the chance to take a bite out of it, Jensen swooped down and caught his mouth in a hot, hard kiss. For a long moment they just kissed and kissed, smacking their lips and licking into each others’ mouths, both of them so glad to just be together and relaxed in each other’s company again.

Finally Jensen pulled away and he smirked at the hazy-eyed, blissful expression on Misha’s face. “Your wish is my command.” Then he stood, turned, and walked into the bathroom to start their bubble bath.

A minute, and one quickly wolfed down sandwich later, Misha joined him.


End file.
